Blockage

So I’ve been sitting here in the student center for two and a half hours, been thinking about writing the whole time. I just haven’t done it. I don’t know why but sometimes, especially when it’s been a really long time, I get so much anxiety about writing. Like no matter how much I want to, I’m not able to actually make my fingers hit any of the keys on the keyboard to produce words.

Ever have so much to say that you literally can’t say anything? Pretty much what’s going on here in my head, only it’s so bad that I can barely even think straight.

For the past three and a half weeks my life has consisted of working full time at the Doctor’s office as a medical receptionist, going to school and doing my homework (just an English class for now), being so exhausted that I nap every chance I get, and trying to remember where I put this damn set of pink wool dreads that I made and wore for a little bit over the summer. SERIOUSLY, they have disappeared and I have no idea where the hell they could be.

 

The job is so fantastic though! It feels so natural there and everyone is very nice and helpful. Most of the time. I have people I prefer to not work with but hey, that’s anywhere you go and anything you do in life. I love that I have to wear scrubs. It makes getting ready in the morning so easy. I think the morning part is what’s killing me though, I’ve NEVER been a morning person and while I don’t dread going to work, I have this subconscious fear of getting out of bed and being cold and having to deal with things. I have to set five alarms every morning, so that I don’t over sleep. even with them, there’s a chance though. Forever craving those five extra minutes. Eternal fear of over sleeping.

Class is on Tuesdays from noon until three so it isn’t as bad getting up for it. I think I’m actually starting to adjust to waking up early. THANK GOD. I would really like to be able to stop taking naps every night. I also have to learn how to go to bed before it’s midnight and I look at the clock and say ‘oh shit it’s midnight, I have to sleep NOW’… Which I admit would be easier if I would stop taking the naps….ANYWAYS, we started our first paper yesterday and it’s a causal analysis. I’m going to be honest here and say that I had no fucking clue what that was before I read about it in chapter 14 of my $60, unbound notebook. My thesis is ‘there are many causes to crocheting being therapeutic…or relieving stress’ I haven’t decided exactly how to word it yet. I actually came here to work on the paper but seeing as I had so much ‘writers block’ about just writing a journal entry, I figured that I had to get this out of the way before I’d be able to properly write a paper. Actually I came here to drive Lauren to class because she got two wisdom teeth pulled today and she’s on pain meds..But I had good intentions! I have a week though. I can do this, I already have the outline partially done. I’m not too worried about it.

Other than these things absorbing all my energy, life has been pretty chill lately. My new(ish) car is running great. I spun out a few weeks ago, but I didn’t hit anything! It was TERRIFYING but I survived. Refused to drive for the rest of the weekend, but luckily Rodney loves me enough to come pick me up and drive wherever we need to go. Which just happens to be nowhere because we are broke as a joke. Rodney is doing really well too. He’s been looking for a full time job because work with his Dad has been really slow and inconsistent lately. Plus, he will need to show income if we are going to get our own place. Which we are planning to do by spring or summer. Once I’m out of my 90 day period at work, so essentially, when I’m eligible to enroll for the insurance they offer, we can start looking. Hopefully he will have something better come along by then too. We’re so ready to move on with our lives. Or move out with our lives. I miss coming home to him everyday and sleeping next to him every night.

 

So I think the key to this writing consistently again, is to just write in the moment, and not worry about writing about every little thing that has happened since the last time I wrote.

Where Is All My Time Going?

Don’t Ask Me What I’m Knitting.

 

This is a link to my craft blog. My friend and I have been in the process of merging our two craft business into one legitimate business over the past year. My store was called Two Cups Of Tea and hers was called The General’s Things so we sort of merged the names and came up with The General’s Tea. She does sewing and quilting, and I mainly do crochet. I’ve been trying to think of some simple sewing patterns to do as well, but I’m sort of terrified of messing them up and wasting all my precious fabric that I have collected over the years. I’ve been putting all my time and effort into merging our things online and recreating a FB page for us and buying the domain name for our blog and actually trying to still get some progress done on the ten thousand crochet projects I have unfinished right now. All while working about 50 hours a week between my two jobs with a broken down car. So yeah, Life is kind of hectic right now, but at least I’m keeping myself busy.

Here We Go Again

I’m never sure where to start when it’s been this long since I’ve written last.
I guess I will try to think of something to write about and try to post something tomorrow.

Time For Bed

So in my new spreadsheet, I have that I want to write in my journal everyday.

I originally had every intention of writing in an actual little book everyday, but I don’t think that is realistic for me right now because the thought just kind of makes me shut down and think of anything else I could be doing. So for now, writing in a journal is going to mean making an entry on here. Or if I need to get personal and let all of the crazy out maybe I’ll just open word pad and save it on there. Something about my handwriting and being picky about how letters come out looking and not being able to write fast enough just makes a real journal not able to happen. But now I know that I have another goal to work towards. Not being afraid of writing in a journal. Tomorrow I am calling around to try and find a therapist to start seeing. I’m obviously not doing well again. I’m happy though, which makes it different than before. The depression isn’t severe but the anxiety is. If that even makes any sense, I’m not sure if what I’m intending to say is actually shining through, it’s 2 in the morning after all.

I did everything on my check list other than crochet because my hands are kind of hurting today and I just wasn’t feeling the creative inspiration. I did my set yoga routines for Monday and my hips feel a ton better. Can’t let that daily goal start slipping since it’s actually physically good for me. Ok, so words aren’t coming out so smoothly right now and I’m tired of hitting the backspace button, so I shall say goodnight for now.

Marching Through Anxiety

In an attempt to try and fight my anxiety, as it starts to escalate again, I’ve made myself a spreadsheet.

It’s ridiculous, as I have to put simple things on there like, showering and brushing my teeth.

The thing with my anxiety though, is that I start to think of all the things I have to do, and then I get like, paralyzed and I’m not able to do anything without panicking. Time is a huge trigger for me and I always feel like I’m running out of time, or that there isn’t going to be enough time.

I want to be able to do all things I want to do and not be disappointed in myself for not getting anything done. Because from the outside, it just looks like I’m the most incredibly lazy person you have ever seen. On the inside though, I’m having huge issues and fighting myself.

It’s only the second day of doing my spreadsheet, but I think it’s helping. Every time I get something done from my list, I get to put an ‘X’ next to it. If I don’t get it done, I put a reason why I don’t get it done, or I put an arrow and move it to another day. Like yesterday I had people over and then we went to Monster Jam, so I didn’t have time to wash the bed sheets. I moved them to today and I’ve already got them in the washer.

It just feels really rewarding to get an ‘X’ next to something. I might have to come up with some sort of reward system for myself, like if I do really well all week then I can buy myself lunch at work instead of packing one. I may wait until crossing something off the list doesn’t feel as satisfying though.

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