Time For Bed

So in my new spreadsheet, I have that I want to write in my journal everyday.

I originally had every intention of writing in an actual little book everyday, but I don’t think that is realistic for me right now because the thought just kind of makes me shut down and think of anything else I could be doing. So for now, writing in a journal is going to mean making an entry on here. Or if I need to get personal and let all of the crazy out maybe I’ll just open word pad and save it on there. Something about my handwriting and being picky about how letters come out looking and not being able to write fast enough just makes a real journal not able to happen. But now I know that I have another goal to work towards. Not being afraid of writing in a journal. Tomorrow I am calling around to try and find a therapist to start seeing. I’m obviously not doing well again. I’m happy though, which makes it different than before. The depression isn’t severe but the anxiety is. If that even makes any sense, I’m not sure if what I’m intending to say is actually shining through, it’s 2 in the morning after all.

I did everything on my check list other than crochet because my hands are kind of hurting today and I just wasn’t feeling the creative inspiration. I did my set yoga routines for Monday and my hips feel a ton better. Can’t let that daily goal start slipping since it’s actually physically good for me. Ok, so words aren’t coming out so smoothly right now and I’m tired of hitting the backspace button, so I shall say goodnight for now.

Marching Through Anxiety

In an attempt to try and fight my anxiety, as it starts to escalate again, I’ve made myself a spreadsheet.

It’s ridiculous, as I have to put simple things on there like, showering and brushing my teeth.

The thing with my anxiety though, is that I start to think of all the things I have to do, and then I get like, paralyzed and I’m not able to do anything without panicking. Time is a huge trigger for me and I always feel like I’m running out of time, or that there isn’t going to be enough time.

I want to be able to do all things I want to do and not be disappointed in myself for not getting anything done. Because from the outside, it just looks like I’m the most incredibly lazy person you have ever seen. On the inside though, I’m having huge issues and fighting myself.

It’s only the second day of doing my spreadsheet, but I think it’s helping. Every time I get something done from my list, I get to put an ‘X’ next to it. If I don’t get it done, I put a reason why I don’t get it done, or I put an arrow and move it to another day. Like yesterday I had people over and then we went to Monster Jam, so I didn’t have time to wash the bed sheets. I moved them to today and I’ve already got them in the washer.

It just feels really rewarding to get an ‘X’ next to something. I might have to come up with some sort of reward system for myself, like if I do really well all week then I can buy myself lunch at work instead of packing one. I may wait until crossing something off the list doesn’t feel as satisfying though.

Love Love Love

 

Ok, since valentines day is around the corner and then right after that is our two year anniversary, it’s time for a boyfriend appreciation post.

I don’t know where I would be without this man (or manchild as I like to call him sometimes). He has done so much for me over the past two years. He has helped me grow as a person into someone that I actually can be proud of. He has helped me overcome and deal with my anxiety and depression and even though he doesn’t always understand how I am feeling, he’s always there to just hold me and be supportive until I’m feeling better again. Right now he’s out there working on my piece of crap car, again, and I can’t even begin to verbalize how grateful I am to have him in my life. He loves me so much and it’s so amazing to have someone that loves you so much that you can feel it, even when they aren’t around. He has been the best big brother to my two sisters, so much so that I think they actually would trade me for him any day. It’s crazy to know that you have found someone who see’s the same future as you do. We agree on most things too, and the stuff we don’t agree on, we talk out and compromise and respect each others opinions. I could go on and on about how amazing he is, but above all, he is my best friend.

Motivation and Procrastination

So the past week I’ve just been chillin like a villian.

ME is going well, it’s like I never even left. I’ve been staying up late and sleeping in again though, which I definitely don’t want to start back up again. It just makes me feel like crap. I have no choice but to start setting my alarm for 9:30ish so that I can be up and getting things done and live a whole. Especially on the days that I will be working a 4-10pm shift.

I’m having a really hard time trying to keep all the things I want to do on a daily basis straight. Like there is so much that I want to be getting done that I end up getting nothing done and it’s super frustrating. Maybe I’ll just make a list because I speak better in lists. I don’t think this is really making all that much sense.

list of things that I want to be constantly working on:

  • yoga
  • recipe book
  • recipe blog
  • this journal blog
  • crocheting and crochet business
  • keeping up on cleaning

ok, now that I see it in list form, it’s not really a lot that I want to always be doing so how am I feeling so overwhelmed? I get so distracted and I’m not sure how. Do I really have to cut out tv and computer time? Like I’m a child?

Even when I’m not using technology to procrastinate, I end up just thinking so fast and having so many ideas or thoughts at once that I can’t keep them straight. I’m not sure how to go about fixing this.

Sometimes You Have To Backtrack

So it’s been a while since I have actually written. I was way too stressed out there for a while and my anxiety took over. But I made some difficult choices and I felt immensely better afterwards.

I decided to get my job back at ME and quit U. For many, many reasons, some of which being my anxiety and stress levels paralyzing me and the fact that the income wasn’t proving to be any better because of commute and minimal hours.

I’ve had a nice week off in between jobs and tomorrow I start at ME again. I know it’s going to come with stress too, but at least I’m comfortable in that position. They did just sell the clinic but I’m hoping that when all that drama settles down, that I can apply for Junior Clinic Manager.

So yeah, I’ve stopped being so stressed and I’m going to start budgeting and saving better than I have been and I feel ten times better about life in general.

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